CHUCK NORRIS VS. NORTH KOREA: Who’s Got The Best “Facts”?

Since early 2005, a number of astounding “Chuck Norris Facts” have come to light. It was discovered, for example, that Chuck Norris can hear sign language, that he regularly makes onions cry, and that he can build a snowman out of rain. The legend surrounding Chuck Norris has continued to grow, as new “facts” are added to the mythology each year. I have often wondered, as most Americans must, if there would ever be a challenger for a man so tough that he uses hot sauce as eye drops.

Imagine my surprise in discovering that the North Korean regime has their very own “fact” book, detailing the absolute greatness of ‘Dear Leaders’ come and gone. Finally, it appears the man who killed two stones with one bird has a verifiable rival in the dictators of North Korea!

So without further ado, let’s settle the debate on who has the best “facts” once and for all.

ROUND 1

According to Ranker, North Koreans believe Kim Jong-un was able to drive at three years old. Children are taught this in school, where Kim’s prodigious childhood is a part of the curriculum.

Here in the U.S. on the other hand, it’s well known that Chuck Norris drove his mother home from the hospital following his own birth.

POINTS: North Korea: 0 – Chuck Norris: 1

ROUND 2

Dear Leader Kim Jong Il made eleven holes-in-one during the first round of golf he ever played. According to The Telegraph, he then immediately retired from the sport. Kim also claims to have once bowled a perfect score of 300, an impressive feat for an amateur bowler.

The games Chuck Norris plays are significantly more intense. For example, he once played Russian Roulette with a fully-loaded revolver… and won.

As for bowling? Chuck also bowled a perfect game, but with a marble.

POINTS: North Korea: 0 – Chuck Norris: 2

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ROUND 3

The Citizen reports that, according to his official biography, Kim Jong Il was born on a mountain top under a brilliant double rainbow.

What the publication leaves out is that Chuck Norris was riding a unicorn over the same double rainbow at the time of Kim’s birth.

POINTS: North Korea: 0 – Chuck Norris: 3

ROUND 4

Kim Jong Il created the hamburger, according to North Korean publication Minju Joson. I’d like to give major kudos to the former dictator for introducing such a great food item to the world.

More impressively though, Chuck Norris once picked an orange from an apple tree and made the best tasting lemonade of all time.

POINTS: North Korea: 0 – Chuck Norris: 4

ROUND 5

According to MSN, the North Korean people don’t believe that Kim Jong Il ever pooped. His body was so highly efficient and perfect (little pot belly and all) that nothing he consumed was ever wasted.

It’s never been claimed that Chuck Norris doesn’t defecate (as far as I know), but what I can tell you, is that he never flushes the toilet… He just scares the s**t out of it.

POINTS: North Korea: 0 – Chuck Norris: 5

So there you have it folks; Chuck Norris once again comes out on top by unanimous decision! We may be on the brink of nuclear winter (although I think it unlikely), but if worst comes to worst, perhaps we can rely on the national treasure, that is Chuck Norris, to protect us from the worldwide forces of evil. He is, after all, the only man alive who can kick you in the back of the face.